Sad, but not tragic. A forced opportunity. Maybe even a fortunate adaptation…fuck it. Let's make taco salad.

Phuket – Descent into Hell

This is not a lady.

The most efficient way to get from the north of Thailand to the islands in the south is to fly to Phuket and take a ferry from there.  But, as fate would have it, there are no ferries after 2 pm when our flight was arriving, so we were forced to stay one night.  We had serious reservations about staying there as the town had been described as “a bit of a whorehouse” by several other travelers.  Oh my, were they wrong.

Phuket is a fucking shithole.

My god, what a great time we had there.

After the horror of our hotel location (thank jesus that Orly picked it out and not me or I would not be alive to write this), we wanted nothing to do with that part of town and asked for a taxi to take us to “the center.”  This is usually a good strategy.  Not at all, in this case.

The taxi dropped us next to a dilapidated row of souvenir shacks and a garbage dump.  We crossed the street, through ankle-deep stagnant and fetid water to a sketchy street that was, supposedly, “the center.”  Famished from our trip, and a bit burned out on Thai food, we stopped at a restaurant and proceeded to have the worst pizza ever conceived.  While waiting for said pizza, we bet a beer on who could be the first person to spot a mutually-agreed-upon ladyboy.  That game lasted all of 30 seconds.  “Where the fuck are we right now??”

Where we are is a neon hell, crawling with sexually ambiguous Thais and 20 year old British boys drinking Thai whiskey out of buckets.

So, of course, our next stop is a “ping pong show.”

“Come on Casey, you have to see this.”

“Ummm…I’m pretty sure that I don’t have to do anything at this point.  I think I grew out of that stage 15 to 20 years ago.”

“I’m paying.”

“Let’s do this.”

Ping pong was the tamest part of the show inside, I assure you.  (Jesus, Mom, don’t ask.)  I kept saying to Orly, “When do they bring out the llama?”  She thought I was hilarious.  I was afraid it might really happen.

After a hasty escape and 6 more beers to dull the sensors a bit, we made our way to the beach.  After stepping on a condom, I said, “Maybe we should just walk on the promenade.”

We escaped to the relative safety of a lounge at a large resort where I had to upgrade to tequila to try and cleanse my brain of the frogs and birds (dammit, Mom, I told you not to ask).  Of course, I decided to go up and sing with the Thai lounge act playing soul music.  “There’s nofin wong wif me wovin uuuuuuu…”

Somehow, it seemed best to look “just one more time” at the street we had previously escaped.  And then, somehow, we were back in a bar chatting it up with the ladyboys and working on our Connect Four skills.  I am certain this is all Orly’s doing.

When we finally made it home, the taxi driver didn’t have change for my 1000 baht bill, so we dropped Orly off and ran to the 7-Eleven for change — this makes absolutely no sense now that I’m writing it down — and when we got back in the car, he leaned over and grabbed the back of my head to kiss me.

“What the fuck?  You know I’m with a lady.  She was just here!”

“She no here now!”

Some have tried to tell me there is a “nice” part of Phuket.  Even if that is true, the “not-quite-so-nice” part of Phuket would be looming ominously over my shoulder.  One night was more than enough.

2 Responses to “Phuket – Descent into Hell”

  1. kevin says:

    First day of Standard time. I hate this time shift thing. It is really light in the morning and will be dark before 5 tonight.
    Heat wave. It is 37’ out right now.
    They have llamas in Thailand? Who knew? Do they have moose as well? I saw a ping pong show in Tijuana and it was followed by a donkey. Is that what you saw then?
    I had heard that there are a lot of boy/girls in Thailand. I think that is why it is a favorite hangout for the Rush Limbaughs of America.
    So Phuket is like the name implies. You should have taken the name as a warning from the get go.
    Have fun. It sure looks like you are.

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